come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So vagazzling was a success
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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