i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
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I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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