I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
