Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
