fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
No subtext here. People are naked.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
