Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
