TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
