That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
then he tried to convert me to islam
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
