i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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