I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
