eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
