This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
