i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My vagina is very pro this idea
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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