The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
