The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
