oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize