I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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