I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
