Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize