Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize