woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize