Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
