How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
