i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
