the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
