Your face is a jimmy john
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
