I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
