So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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