I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
