I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
