he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
