So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
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Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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