she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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