I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
