Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
