clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
