Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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