I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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