Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
