What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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