Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
