drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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