Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
how drunk are you?
Several
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
