I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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