i permit you to call me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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