Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
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Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
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Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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