May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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