i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
