I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
