When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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