Apparently you make a good broom.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
