When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
