totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
