Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
splinters make it hard to masturbate
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
