and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
