Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
as a side note pls kill me
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
ok first of all what the fuck
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
