I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
